Happy Birthday To the Great Martin Luther King. Ani Difranco wrote a song about him, and it was good. I cant remember the lyrics right now, but it's a good song. Now, it'll bug me all damn day.
So anywho. His bday was yesterday. But, all these businesses are off and schools are closed TODAY. But, WHY? For equality? Well, equal this up for me. He had a dream, and I'm sure his dream wasn't give your lazy ass employee's and your dim witted kids the day off...... MLK was a good dude. I didn't know him, but I hear he was a decent man. So was Abe Lincoln, again, didnt know him but hear good shit about him. My grandpa Basil was an amazing man, an educator (in the fact that he taught me more about life than any bitch at a chalkboard ever did), an equal man to other men, he felt he was no better, nor no worse than anyone. I dont see my kid staying home on his bday, unless it falls on a weekend.
TRUTH BE TOLD- my kids at school today. Our district don't close for nuffin. They want to cram every day they can in, and have the longest best Summer Break ever. Cannot blame them for that shit. Anywho, thats really all I have to say about MLK day, I dont get why we close businesses, post offices, banks etc. I do not really think that was what his "dream" was.... but who knows? I could be wrong. He could've been like dude, I had this dream that I became postmortemly more famous than I currently am, and they started closing shit down in my honor! Then, his bro is like fuck that, Man you crazy. Who the hell knows. I honestly don't even know where the hell this all is going. But, I do know that it'll be batshit, fuck me in the ear hole crazy at work today. Everyone is off of work, and what better to do than drink the day away?! Sounds like a fucking plan to me. So for the fruitful, busy ass day I have ahead of me, I tip my coffee to you Mr King. Thanks. I have a dream that I make $250 today. I hope that shit happens.
Welp, Mrs Crotch needs to warsh her crotch and get her ass ready for a day of Moon Cricketing. See you there!
Monday, January 16, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Lions and Tigers and CREEPS!!!! OH MY!
It's been dead this week. Crazy, I'm rearranging the stage and sweeping the parking lot Type-Of-DEAD! I have a few of my regulars coming in, but they don't usually show till around 3 or so..... I was thinking yesterday on my entirely too long and boring in the pouring rain whilst stoned drive home.....about creeps.
We have some fucking creeps that come in that place. Lately, they've been showing their faces a lot more. It definately had something to do with the crazy ass moon a few days ago, the one that was GIANT, and so low that it seemed like you could touch it. Yeah, that moon. It made the freaks come out of their hiding spots and join me at the Moon Cricket for some cheap ass beer, and other strange happenings.
Onto the Meat of the Veggies, CREEPS..... I'm going to tell you about Bucket Tom.
It all started off this fall. Bucket Tom started showing up. He was okay for the first few visits. Ordered a bucket and sat alone at a high top right by the bar. He sometimes would get a cheeseburger with a side of jalapenos. EVERY time he gets the burger, he comments on how hot the jalapenos are. Well, They are HOT FUCKING PEPPERS you sped......... So after about 10 days of him saying this, I was like yeah... I hate you. He'd usually have 2 buckets, then he'd ask "whats my tab" and I'd tell him....then he'd think for a minute, and say give me 2 more in my bucket. So I add 2 Bud Lights, then 20 min later, same thing, okay, 3 more....
He would always wait for the WORST times to play this little game too. Like when I'd be carrying cases of beer.... Or stocking beer, or freshly have 3 new people, all ordering food and mixed drinks? Seriously, Tom.... You are annoying me right now. You have 4 beers in your bucket, you arent fucking leaving so shut the fuck up.
Tom used to be a decent tipper, so I could deal with his little shenanigans. And, for the most part, he was ok. It's clear he is "not all there" but in this industry, the crazies can make it fun. Okay, back to the tipping... He'd give anywhere from $5-$8.... Mind you, at the Moon Cricket you can get a bucket of 6 beers for $7.50 during the day. Burger & Fries $2.75... so the $5-$8 was a decent tip on how cheap his bill is.... Well, then the Holidays show up. Everyday, Bucket Tom would ask me.... "Do you have your Christmas shopping all done?" Everyday, I'd say Yes. It was like everyday he woke up and yesterday never happened. Seriously, this seemed like it was a new topic to him..... I wanted to punch myself in the throat.
So lately, Bucket Tom.... he's been broke. He also has been drinking more. So now he drinks all of his money away, leaving $1.40 and less for the bartender. Okay, I understand now and then getting fucked up. I'll let you slide.... but everyday now? CMON!!!!!! And, he's started mooching off the other regulars. The other bartender, Ducky and I have told EVERYONE that if he asks for a beer to let us know so we can scold him. Oh, and get this... his ass has the nerve to ask for 2 beers. NOT JUST ONE...... What a douche!
Other things Bucket Tom does that drive me batshit, I will cut you, You are lucky I dont have a baseball bat on me type of crazy:
He sucks his teeth, making this horrendous sound
He sits at a table that a group of regulars always sit at, but because he gets there WHEN I OPEN he takes the table, causing them to have to sit where they are not comfortable, and further away from me, and when there are 8 of them, it's great to be able to ask from the bar if they need a round or whatever.
He calls me Kiddo
He has the intelligence of my left shoe
He argued with me once that it was past 11, when I showed up! LITERALLY I was standing at my CAR, getting my key to get in the door of the bar, and he was telling me that I was fucking late. I clocked in at 10:44 that day (hmm Im scheduled at 10:50- so suck it Tom, what are you my fucking mom? Uh No. Die now), Then, as I was counting my drawer... he was beating on the front door, This is after I told him outside, the Longer you argue with me, the longer it is until I can open and give you beer Tom....
He tells me that he "worked" that day. I know this is a damn lie. Your eyes are floating in your head Tom, You are a drunk in and out, it's okay... I'm a bartender, I encourage your slippery slide into senality from the booze.... but, lets not deny it... You dont work. You dont drive, you live in someones basement. you are a drunk and it's okay... but cmon.....
Well, that is all about the damn creeps for today. I will write about some others soon. LOL I also have an amazing group of regular regulars that do not creep me out, and some who only half creep me out.
We have some fucking creeps that come in that place. Lately, they've been showing their faces a lot more. It definately had something to do with the crazy ass moon a few days ago, the one that was GIANT, and so low that it seemed like you could touch it. Yeah, that moon. It made the freaks come out of their hiding spots and join me at the Moon Cricket for some cheap ass beer, and other strange happenings.
Onto the Meat of the Veggies, CREEPS..... I'm going to tell you about Bucket Tom.
It all started off this fall. Bucket Tom started showing up. He was okay for the first few visits. Ordered a bucket and sat alone at a high top right by the bar. He sometimes would get a cheeseburger with a side of jalapenos. EVERY time he gets the burger, he comments on how hot the jalapenos are. Well, They are HOT FUCKING PEPPERS you sped......... So after about 10 days of him saying this, I was like yeah... I hate you. He'd usually have 2 buckets, then he'd ask "whats my tab" and I'd tell him....then he'd think for a minute, and say give me 2 more in my bucket. So I add 2 Bud Lights, then 20 min later, same thing, okay, 3 more....
He would always wait for the WORST times to play this little game too. Like when I'd be carrying cases of beer.... Or stocking beer, or freshly have 3 new people, all ordering food and mixed drinks? Seriously, Tom.... You are annoying me right now. You have 4 beers in your bucket, you arent fucking leaving so shut the fuck up.
Tom used to be a decent tipper, so I could deal with his little shenanigans. And, for the most part, he was ok. It's clear he is "not all there" but in this industry, the crazies can make it fun. Okay, back to the tipping... He'd give anywhere from $5-$8.... Mind you, at the Moon Cricket you can get a bucket of 6 beers for $7.50 during the day. Burger & Fries $2.75... so the $5-$8 was a decent tip on how cheap his bill is.... Well, then the Holidays show up. Everyday, Bucket Tom would ask me.... "Do you have your Christmas shopping all done?" Everyday, I'd say Yes. It was like everyday he woke up and yesterday never happened. Seriously, this seemed like it was a new topic to him..... I wanted to punch myself in the throat.
So lately, Bucket Tom.... he's been broke. He also has been drinking more. So now he drinks all of his money away, leaving $1.40 and less for the bartender. Okay, I understand now and then getting fucked up. I'll let you slide.... but everyday now? CMON!!!!!! And, he's started mooching off the other regulars. The other bartender, Ducky and I have told EVERYONE that if he asks for a beer to let us know so we can scold him. Oh, and get this... his ass has the nerve to ask for 2 beers. NOT JUST ONE...... What a douche!
Other things Bucket Tom does that drive me batshit, I will cut you, You are lucky I dont have a baseball bat on me type of crazy:
He sucks his teeth, making this horrendous sound
He sits at a table that a group of regulars always sit at, but because he gets there WHEN I OPEN he takes the table, causing them to have to sit where they are not comfortable, and further away from me, and when there are 8 of them, it's great to be able to ask from the bar if they need a round or whatever.
He calls me Kiddo
He has the intelligence of my left shoe
He argued with me once that it was past 11, when I showed up! LITERALLY I was standing at my CAR, getting my key to get in the door of the bar, and he was telling me that I was fucking late. I clocked in at 10:44 that day (hmm Im scheduled at 10:50- so suck it Tom, what are you my fucking mom? Uh No. Die now), Then, as I was counting my drawer... he was beating on the front door, This is after I told him outside, the Longer you argue with me, the longer it is until I can open and give you beer Tom....
He tells me that he "worked" that day. I know this is a damn lie. Your eyes are floating in your head Tom, You are a drunk in and out, it's okay... I'm a bartender, I encourage your slippery slide into senality from the booze.... but, lets not deny it... You dont work. You dont drive, you live in someones basement. you are a drunk and it's okay... but cmon.....
Well, that is all about the damn creeps for today. I will write about some others soon. LOL I also have an amazing group of regular regulars that do not creep me out, and some who only half creep me out.
Friday, October 21, 2011
They say it's your birthday.....
Thursday, Oct 20th, 2011... Crotch turned 32. Of course, on the way to work (yes, I worked on my birthday- bartending on your birthday is the best thing ever- I capitalized on that money making experience) I stopped at Tubbs house. I had a huge favor to ask her (renew my license plates for me since the stupid DMV is only opened during hours that I am at work).... So Tubbs and I smoked one, and she gave me a big huge present! It was Kettle Corn, with cutesy little bags like the Theatre has, a Red Basket to store shit in (matching my kitchen), a leopard print purse (YAY), and some tootsie rolls! I love candy, and she knows it!!! The cards, yes, plural... Are so cute. They brought tears to my eyes! The first one, has a girl wearing a gas mask on the front, and says A birthday wish for my favorite paranoid person. The inside says, "What are you staring at"? Then Tubbs wrote- STOP STARING AT ME YOU ARE MAKING ME NOIDED TOO! She is so funny, and she hit that one RIGHT ON! The second says, You are my kind of person... the inside- Aren't you ashamed? I fucking love it.
I got all teared up. Tubbs, you made my fucking day. You are an amazing friend, and I'm so glad we are pardners in crime! I couldn't ask for a better buddy! My life has changed so much in the past year, and you've stood by my side like a little trooper. You haven't treated me any different, as I've shrunk, and that speaks VOLUMES about you as a person. I had RNY gastric bypass on November 10th, 2010. In the past year, I've lost 180 lbs. It's not been easy for a lot of the people I know, and I understand... But Tubbs, you've been a little fucking rock. You are amazing.
Just so you aren't confused.... I'm tall, really tall (5ft 11 barefoot) Tubbs is short, really short. Like 5ft 2 in heels. I was more than 300 lbs when we met (she's about 100lbs), and now I'm 140lbs. So Tubbs & I are funny as hell when we are together, Me the Jolly White Giant, her the Mini White Midgie.... She also has HUGE titties, and I have NO TITTIES.... LOL I couldn't be happier with my little pal, shes the best motherfucking person ever. I trust her with my life, my child, my husband, my home, my doggies!
The remainder of my Birthday was just as amazing as the stop at Tubbs McSmokertons house prior to work. I was pretty busy at the bar, and all of my regulars came in to see me! I received some cards, balloons, a light up sash that says Birthday Babe on it, a bunch of sweet Knee socks (Love EM), and a TON OF REALLLLY GOOD TIPS!!!!! The husband, kiddo, and a few friends all went to Hooters for dinner. They made me stand on a stool (omfg I was 89 feet tall then) and sang for me. It was super fun!
Hubby and Kiddo got me a new Fox Racing hoodie, a sweet scarf & gloves set (Pink, Grey and SKULLS), some lip balm, a Fox Racing sticker for my car and a CARROT CAKE! MMMMM ME LOVE CARROT CAKE! Mom got me a Columbia Ski Jacket, since my one from last year is a 3x.... It didn't fit very well anymore!!!! My dad sent me a $50 check (BONUS)!
Well, I'm off to meet the kiddos teacher. She's been misbehaving in this class, and I need to see WTF is going on. She swears the teach just HATES her... so I wanna check this broad out, is she really just a snatch? Or is it the usual, WOE is ME...... I bet its the latter....
That's all for now Ya'll....
OLD CROTCH...OVER AND OUT
I got all teared up. Tubbs, you made my fucking day. You are an amazing friend, and I'm so glad we are pardners in crime! I couldn't ask for a better buddy! My life has changed so much in the past year, and you've stood by my side like a little trooper. You haven't treated me any different, as I've shrunk, and that speaks VOLUMES about you as a person. I had RNY gastric bypass on November 10th, 2010. In the past year, I've lost 180 lbs. It's not been easy for a lot of the people I know, and I understand... But Tubbs, you've been a little fucking rock. You are amazing.
Just so you aren't confused.... I'm tall, really tall (5ft 11 barefoot) Tubbs is short, really short. Like 5ft 2 in heels. I was more than 300 lbs when we met (she's about 100lbs), and now I'm 140lbs. So Tubbs & I are funny as hell when we are together, Me the Jolly White Giant, her the Mini White Midgie.... She also has HUGE titties, and I have NO TITTIES.... LOL I couldn't be happier with my little pal, shes the best motherfucking person ever. I trust her with my life, my child, my husband, my home, my doggies!
The remainder of my Birthday was just as amazing as the stop at Tubbs McSmokertons house prior to work. I was pretty busy at the bar, and all of my regulars came in to see me! I received some cards, balloons, a light up sash that says Birthday Babe on it, a bunch of sweet Knee socks (Love EM), and a TON OF REALLLLY GOOD TIPS!!!!! The husband, kiddo, and a few friends all went to Hooters for dinner. They made me stand on a stool (omfg I was 89 feet tall then) and sang for me. It was super fun!
Hubby and Kiddo got me a new Fox Racing hoodie, a sweet scarf & gloves set (Pink, Grey and SKULLS), some lip balm, a Fox Racing sticker for my car and a CARROT CAKE! MMMMM ME LOVE CARROT CAKE! Mom got me a Columbia Ski Jacket, since my one from last year is a 3x.... It didn't fit very well anymore!!!! My dad sent me a $50 check (BONUS)!
Well, I'm off to meet the kiddos teacher. She's been misbehaving in this class, and I need to see WTF is going on. She swears the teach just HATES her... so I wanna check this broad out, is she really just a snatch? Or is it the usual, WOE is ME...... I bet its the latter....
That's all for now Ya'll....
OLD CROTCH...OVER AND OUT
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Why?
We have a giant shot wheel on the wall at the bar. Its the wall that you walk past to get behind the bar. The fucker has metal pegs on it.... they have rubber covers, but drunk people pull them off. Yesterday whilst getting my ass kicked busy, I ran into an uncovered one and ripped a huge chunk out of my arm. It swelled, bled and burned like a motherfucker.
Also, the table that was running my ass off... they tipped me $14 on $120. The girl is a waitress, and it was her birthday.... What gives? I know she will come in embarrassed in a few days and give me more money, but seriously... It was so disenheartening. I almost cried. I made awesome money aside from this bullshit.
Today, I'm the waitress / cook from 2-6:30, and the bartender from 6:30-10 or so... I'm helping Tony out. He has class until 8:30.... he is covering for the usual bartender who is working at the other location.....which is 4 hours away, on the other side of the state. I would rather just bartend all night, and make a mint because I am broke. But, the bills are paid, so that rules.
Well, off to see Mom. Im helping her out at the office for a few, and she's taking me shopping for a new coat for my birthday (which is in 7 days). I want a North Face- it's super cute but $300. I feel guilty asking her to buy it for me, so I'm sure I'll settle for something less expensive. Ahhh, such is life.
That is all. Have a bitchin day
Crizzzotch
Also, the table that was running my ass off... they tipped me $14 on $120. The girl is a waitress, and it was her birthday.... What gives? I know she will come in embarrassed in a few days and give me more money, but seriously... It was so disenheartening. I almost cried. I made awesome money aside from this bullshit.
Today, I'm the waitress / cook from 2-6:30, and the bartender from 6:30-10 or so... I'm helping Tony out. He has class until 8:30.... he is covering for the usual bartender who is working at the other location.....which is 4 hours away, on the other side of the state. I would rather just bartend all night, and make a mint because I am broke. But, the bills are paid, so that rules.
Well, off to see Mom. Im helping her out at the office for a few, and she's taking me shopping for a new coat for my birthday (which is in 7 days). I want a North Face- it's super cute but $300. I feel guilty asking her to buy it for me, so I'm sure I'll settle for something less expensive. Ahhh, such is life.
That is all. Have a bitchin day
Crizzzotch
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
What a day!
Tubbs & I had a good morning date today. I went over her place before work, to smoke and bullshit. It was fun. She has some Grand Daddy Purps (GDP) which kicked my ass. Of course, the boss lady texts me mid-toke and tells me the computer dude is waiting for me at the bar, because our Point Of Sale (POS- yep, it's a total POS too) isn't running credit cards. At this time, I should've already been on the road to the bar, but alas, I hit the bowl a few more times. So, yeah... I am ripped high, and there's a nerd waiting for me to let him in the bar. I am always the only person at the bar when I open. I have my own little stoner routine that I do in the morning, and this fucker threw me off my game. I sprayed myself with the cheap perfume I keep in the car for moments just like this (it makes me feel less stoned, and at least I don't reek like weed), and gathered up my shit. I brought leftover calzone for lunch, as soon as I got out of the car, I nearly dropped it. The Nerd totally saw it as he walked across the parking lot.
This Nerd was in my way! I was getting ice, and he'd "set up shop" using 2 chairs, a couple of laptops, a mess of wire and other shit on 2 chairs right in my path. As I maneuvered through this obstacle course with the 2 large buckets of ice, I said "excuse me" thinking he'd maybe get the hint... He didn't. He didn't get the hint at all. He as in my way all day long. If he was behind the bar using that computer, he would take up the entire width of the bar, and seemed oblivious to the fact that I was WORKING, that I needed to get by him... repeatedly. The Nerd wasn't a large man, yet he took up all of this space. God Damn, I wanted to punch him in the esophagus.
The day went by pretty quickly. Nothing too exciting, I cooked a ton of food, made really awesome money, paid out over $1200 in Keno winnings (which equals great money for me), I got this table.... 2 girls a little younger than me, one of which had several bad tattoos ( I mean, shitty looking -like county jail- hey wanna be the first person I ever tattoo type of tattoos), and the other had really really really horrible acne. OH, AND SHITTY TATTOOS.... She had the awesome drawn on eyebrows... I'll call her Eyebrows.....So, they seem decent, not a lot of social skills. No eye contact, they did the annoying thing of pointing at the item they want on the menu, and mumbling what it was. This drives me nuts, Look at ME! I'm a real live person. Believe it or NOT!
So Eyebrows & Pizza Face order Mini Tacos, Fried Mushrooms and a large basket of fries, with Ranch, of course! So, things seemed to go well with them... they didn't eat all of the deep fried goodness, so I offered to box it. This is when I started to wonder what the hell was going on with them. They both barked "NO" at me about the box.... so I ask, "are you all finished, can I take this stuff out of your way?" They mumbled "Yes", so I set the check down (and advise no rush, whenever you are ready), load up with the baskets of half eaten deep fried slime and sucked clean ranch cups, and head to the kitchen to unload. As I step out of the kitchen, I see Eyebrows is holding a credit card. I go over and say, "Ready for me to run that for you?" Eyebrows "Yeah" (in a mumble again)... I walk to the bar, run the card, and return immediately. I set it down and say, 'I just need the top copy signed, Thank You".... Both eyebrows, and acne say, "Thank You", then Eyebrows says... "I like your earrings", in a low mumbly weirder than hell way. I say "thanks" and went back to the bar, and waiting on everyone else... They walk out, and I say the usual "have a good one".
I went to clean the table and see the credit slip signed, with a line drawn through the TIP area.... Hmmmmmm... I don't get it? I mean, not even a dollar? The bill was $19.59....and nothing. I gave them good service, I cooked the food, got them refills, brought them their extra ranch just like they ordered, so they didn't even have to ask for it when I brought the food. I don't understand some people. These girls had no reason to not tip. Ignorant ass white trash, go back to your trailer and make some Hamburger Helper next time, you can get that with your Food Stamps for FREE bitch.
The rest of the day was good, it slowed down around 5 so I was able to have the place looking spiffy for night shift. I love leaving it super clean, super stocked and perfect for the next bartender. Just like how I like to walk into it, which never happens. One would think that others would appreciate how nice I leave it for them and do the same for me... but they don't. They leave it a fucking wreck, and I clean and clean and organize and clean some more....but that's a whole 'nother rant.....
Oh, and the earrings... Pink Metallic Hoops. Nothing special, nothing crazy. Weird.
That is All.
Crotch
This Nerd was in my way! I was getting ice, and he'd "set up shop" using 2 chairs, a couple of laptops, a mess of wire and other shit on 2 chairs right in my path. As I maneuvered through this obstacle course with the 2 large buckets of ice, I said "excuse me" thinking he'd maybe get the hint... He didn't. He didn't get the hint at all. He as in my way all day long. If he was behind the bar using that computer, he would take up the entire width of the bar, and seemed oblivious to the fact that I was WORKING, that I needed to get by him... repeatedly. The Nerd wasn't a large man, yet he took up all of this space. God Damn, I wanted to punch him in the esophagus.
The day went by pretty quickly. Nothing too exciting, I cooked a ton of food, made really awesome money, paid out over $1200 in Keno winnings (which equals great money for me), I got this table.... 2 girls a little younger than me, one of which had several bad tattoos ( I mean, shitty looking -like county jail- hey wanna be the first person I ever tattoo type of tattoos), and the other had really really really horrible acne. OH, AND SHITTY TATTOOS.... She had the awesome drawn on eyebrows... I'll call her Eyebrows.....So, they seem decent, not a lot of social skills. No eye contact, they did the annoying thing of pointing at the item they want on the menu, and mumbling what it was. This drives me nuts, Look at ME! I'm a real live person. Believe it or NOT!
So Eyebrows & Pizza Face order Mini Tacos, Fried Mushrooms and a large basket of fries, with Ranch, of course! So, things seemed to go well with them... they didn't eat all of the deep fried goodness, so I offered to box it. This is when I started to wonder what the hell was going on with them. They both barked "NO" at me about the box.... so I ask, "are you all finished, can I take this stuff out of your way?" They mumbled "Yes", so I set the check down (and advise no rush, whenever you are ready), load up with the baskets of half eaten deep fried slime and sucked clean ranch cups, and head to the kitchen to unload. As I step out of the kitchen, I see Eyebrows is holding a credit card. I go over and say, "Ready for me to run that for you?" Eyebrows "Yeah" (in a mumble again)... I walk to the bar, run the card, and return immediately. I set it down and say, 'I just need the top copy signed, Thank You".... Both eyebrows, and acne say, "Thank You", then Eyebrows says... "I like your earrings", in a low mumbly weirder than hell way. I say "thanks" and went back to the bar, and waiting on everyone else... They walk out, and I say the usual "have a good one".
I went to clean the table and see the credit slip signed, with a line drawn through the TIP area.... Hmmmmmm... I don't get it? I mean, not even a dollar? The bill was $19.59....and nothing. I gave them good service, I cooked the food, got them refills, brought them their extra ranch just like they ordered, so they didn't even have to ask for it when I brought the food. I don't understand some people. These girls had no reason to not tip. Ignorant ass white trash, go back to your trailer and make some Hamburger Helper next time, you can get that with your Food Stamps for FREE bitch.
The rest of the day was good, it slowed down around 5 so I was able to have the place looking spiffy for night shift. I love leaving it super clean, super stocked and perfect for the next bartender. Just like how I like to walk into it, which never happens. One would think that others would appreciate how nice I leave it for them and do the same for me... but they don't. They leave it a fucking wreck, and I clean and clean and organize and clean some more....but that's a whole 'nother rant.....
Oh, and the earrings... Pink Metallic Hoops. Nothing special, nothing crazy. Weird.
That is All.
Crotch
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